Yup I said it, high school. I began to get sad at all of the memories that came flooding back from that time in my life. In high school I never was part of any one clique or circle, but there were many that I was never part of. I was what you would call a loner, but I did have a few friends. I remember one guy that I always got into trouble with, Brian Mulner. He was a kindred spirit, we had many of the same interests, and had few friends, and we loved to "Party". I remember how I was to steal the car keys, put the car in neutral, and coast it down the driveway and road and then drive over to his house to get drunk.. LOL it reminds me of a scene right out of the movie License to Drive. I wonder where you are now Brian, did life get better for you after you moved away? I hope you're doing well brother.
As with any small, shy, timid kid in school, I got bullied to no end.. maybe that's why I'm such a opponent of Hazing in the Military today. The only thing that bullying teaches a kid is fear and worry. When I was a freshman I never went to the bathroom in between classes for fear of running into someone who had it out for me, I spent alot of time holding it. One day late April of my freshman year, I snapped and everything changed from that point on, I was tired of being that weak person always a target... No I didn't bring a gun to school and started capping assholes.. No instead I met someone that I immediately had a lot of respect for. This guy had something about him that told other people to back the fuck off and I'm going to do this my way, James thank you for teaching me how to take care of myself. I took what he had and made it mine. I had what would be called an awakening. I took all of the parts about him that I respected and emulated them. I shaved my head, pierced my ears, started to listen to metal and punk, I took all of the things that I would have feared before and made them mine. During the summer I spent alot of time doing what kids do in the summer, exploration, and self awareness. I made a whole new set of friends, back then we called them the stoners/slackers. I played the part really well, I was invited to parties, had brief relationships, I became someone that would never be messed with again.
I remember the following year I felt like the new guy, people were very standoffish, those who bullied me left me alone, those who I hung out with previously didn't want much to do with me. But I seemed to attract a new group of people. We were know as the wall kids, that was because we never sat at any table during lunch we just sat on the cafeteria half wall and ate. I remember that even though I became part of that group I was still a loner, and I liked it that way. I never really truly found my place in high school, I was never part of anything, and I never really wanted to. All of this was all based on the image I presented to everyone.
As with every drastic change to life, there were negative consequences. As I mentioned before the downward spiral got ahold of me and I began to drown.. Lets just say that I did many things that I now regret and have had long lasting effect on me throughout my life so far.
I've always wondered what I would do if I could do it all over again, I can honestly say I don't know. Yes there were many regrets, but everything has brought me to this point in my life, and I am pretty happy with the end result. ◦
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